Winning your ex back – meaning of the “no contact rule”

When a relationship ends, it is usually accompanied by a lot of emotional pain - for at least one of the two partners, the pain of the separation is probably great.

But not all hope is always lost...

We have already addressed this topic a few times in this blog and presented several strategies on how you can personally deal with a separation and how you can even rekindle love that has seemingly been lost.

As already mentioned in these articles, no one can give you a guarantee that you will actually win your ex-partner back. After all, we are dealing with a human being with free will.

The good news, however, is that you can significantly increase your chances of getting a fresh start if you follow a series of advice, tips and rules.

Since we have already covered this topic in previous articles, we would now like to focus on one of the most important rules and examine it in more detail: the fabled “no contact rule” .

Most partners find it difficult to quickly move on from a failed relationship. While this is probably true for you, this may also be the case for your ex-partner. This increases your chances. A survey yielded the following results on this topic:

Definition in 2 sentences

The no contact rule is a self-determined period of 30 or 60 days during which absolutely no contact between you and your ex.

This means writing, chatting, interacting on social networks, making phone calls or meeting in person is completely taboo self-imposed contact ban .

What is the “no contact rule” about?

The “no contact rule” has proven itself time and again as an essential component of any successful strategy to win back your ex-partner We therefore want to pay particular attention to this phase on the way back into the hands of your ex-partner. So, what exactly is this about?

An even shorter and catchy definition could be: “A defined period of time in which you consciously ignore your ex-partner.”

Specifically, it is recommended not to initiate or respond to contact with your ex-partner for about a month. This means: no calls, no text messages, no visits, no stalking (not even on social media), etc.

You completely cut the person out of your life for a full 30 days. This also includes not asking about him/her, visiting his/her Facebook profile, and other ways to participate in his/her life in any way.

This may sound very difficult at first, but the work is worth it. Because this method usually has a very effective effect on the ex-partner.

Important : The first attempt usually promises much greater opportunities than the second. So you should use it!

Without following this one rule, you will significantly damage your chances of getting a second attempt. During my research, every single source confirmed this and emphasized the importance of this rule.

How and why does this rule work?

Not contacting your ex after the breakup sounds almost impossible - especially shortly after the breakup. However, it is proven to be the most effective thing you can do if you want to get over him/her.

Not only that, the no contact rule also works when you want to achieve the exact opposite. Namely, that you make up again. We'll explain to you what it's all about and why it works so well.

Well, there are basically three psychological factors that together account for the high effectiveness of this rule: firstly, this rest phase allows you to collect yourself again. Instead of mourning the past or indulging in tirades of anger and abuse, focus on yourself.

Use these 30 days to clean up your emotions. See this time as a great opportunity to change something about yourself that had a negative impact on your relationship or possibly even led to a breakup altogether.

You need this distance from your ex-partner in order to get a clear view of what ultimately led separation Stop simply blaming and ask yourself honestly and directly whether something in your own behavior may have led to this or at least contributed to the breakdown of the relationship!

Because even if you manage to restart the relationship “inner cleansing” You have to eliminate the causes so that a long and fulfilling partnership awaits you the next time you try.

, by maintaining a certain distance, you allow your ex-partner Give her/him this time to reflect and consider any mistakes or misconduct they may have committed.

You don't stand on the side and point the finger at your ex, but rather give him/her the freedom to recognize the mistakes they've made. This will create a much healthier response than blaming and pressuring.

Thirdly, there is a psychological phenomenon that comes into play, which “psychological reactance” and which has been scientifically proven. A short definition:

“Psychological reactance is a complex defensive reaction that can be understood as resistance to external or internal restrictions. […] Reactance in the true sense does not refer to the behavior that is triggered, but rather the underlying motivation or attitude. Reactance typically underlies the “appeal of the forbidden”. It is similar to defiance, which, however, can also arise for reasons other than the curtailment of freedom.”

That sounds very abstract and somewhat cluttered. Specifically for our case, translated into popular parlance it simply means: “If you want to be considered popular, make yourself rare .

You completely withdraw from your ex, which causes him/her to feel a sense of loss. You essentially take away her/him's access to yourself and thereby increase your own attractiveness and value in the eyes of your former partner.

He/she will realize that they may not be so easy to get back, and will raise the fear of losing you completely and forever. This will drastically increase your chances of a fresh start together.

This is how the no contact rule works: tips for implementing it correctly

1. Focus on yourself

The vast majority of people have one main concern when applying the rule: that it is not effective. This is because you are solely focused on your ex-partner's possible reaction to this lack of communication . Thoughts arise like:

• Will he/she hold a grudge?
• Will he/she move on?
• Will he/she marry the first woman/man he/she sees?

These thoughts are understandable, but not very helpful. The problem with these questions is that they focus on inefficient or ineffective areas of the relationship.

They also focus on the other person (the ex) and not on your own perspective. And awareness of your own perspective and yourself is what is most important now.

Remember that the no contact rule is not directly and solely intended to make your ex miss you. While this can certainly happen, you shouldn't do it primarily for this reason. You're doing it for yourself first and foremost - so you can learn more about yourself and the relationship in general.

By changing your perspective and looking at things in a new way, you will learn to respect your partner's decision to leave. By accepting (learning) the other person's decision, you simultaneously communicate strength, determination, independence and self-worth - all very attractive things.

2. Let your ex know you're keeping your distance

Whether you're using this rule to get over the breakup or to start over, you should definitely let your ex know that you don't want any contact (for now). By the way, this explicit saying also strengthens you to stick to your plan.

3. Stop ALL types of communication

A very important point is not to contact your ex under any circumstances, in any way imaginable.

This means no liking or watching stories on social networks, no calling, no sending messages and certainly no meeting in person. Even seemingly “random” meetings on the bus, on the way to work or in the supermarket are taboo. Realize that any contact, no matter how small, can ruin all your efforts.

4. No contact with friends and family of the ex-partner

Yes, the rule also includes the people closest to the ex. Dating coaches agree on this point: If you're going to draw a line , it should be done half-heartedly

During the acute separation phase, it is best not to have any contact with the family or friends of your ex-partner and rather pour your heart out to people who remind you less of him/her. This also protects you from further hurtful situations - or from possible influence on your decision.

Important: Do not break off contact from one day to the next without a clarifying conversation or at least an explanation from your partner. Family members or friends may not know anything about the separation or may completely misinterpret your silence and your motives.

That wouldn't be fair to people and can sometimes leave major wounds and create gaps that can later only be bridged with great difficulty.

5. Fill your life and distract yourself

Indulge in any activity that prevents you from contacting your ex. Meeting friends, going out, rushing into work, traveling, doing sports or a new hobby .

Whatever helps you comply with the rule, you should do it. You may also learn completely new sides of yourself or rediscover old interests and passions.

Fill your life with things you enjoy doing, things that make you happy, things that make you feel good. Fill your life and LIVE HAPPY .

As you give him/her space to miss you and worry that he/she has lost you forever, you will continue to grow stronger internally and emotionally by lifting your mood and happiness upwards.

6. Reflect on relationships

When using this rule, ignore your ex, but not your feelings. Ask yourself honestly: What do I miss about the relationship? What don't I miss? What did I learn from the breakup? Are there perhaps even good sides to the end of a relationship? Use the time after the breakup to clarify a few things.

7. Be clear about your goals

Do you want to get your ex-partner back or just get over the pain of separation? Or are you still completely undecided? In order for you to succeed in your project, you must first be clear about what you want. If necessary, take enough time for this.

Depending on what result you expect from the no contact rule, there will be a different time frame:

a) Ignore him/her for at least 30 days if you want him/her back

Ignoring your ex for a month will make him/her miss you, which is exactly what you want to achieve. Especially if you spent a lot of time together during the relationship, your ex must first regain the feeling of what he/she is missing out on and sorely missing without you.

b) Ignore him/her for at least 60 days if you want to get over him/her

The relationship with your ex has become a habit and as we know, it takes 21 days to break a habit. Triple that number to get over him/her permanently.

8. Don't report back until you're ready

The time limit of 30 or 60 days is a general guideline for the shortest period of contact blocking. Every person is different and every separation is individual.

If you  feel ready to reconnect after

If you need a little more time, that's perfectly fine. When in doubt, listen to your inner voice and your gut feeling. The most important thing is that you only reach out when you feel the time is right.

But do not contact us earlier than 30 or 60 days. This time is absolutely necessary for your thoughts and feelings to sort themselves out.

9. Be patient

Perhaps the most difficult aspect: be patient and heed our tips. Then the signs are ideal for the no contact rule to have its full effect.

A few final words

That was a detailed presentation of this effective rule with a guide to action that should not be missing in any endeavor to win back your ex. For more information and advice on this topic, we recommend reading our other articles.

If you have any questions or suggestions, please leave a comment here. We will then address your concerns as quickly as possible.

We would also be happy to hear about your personal experiences with this rule.